Torchwood Oneshots
by whingymcgregor
Summary: Some oneshots written for challenges, involving a wet Ianto, naked hide and seek, teacups...and more!
1. Swimmingly

Fandom: Torchwood

Characters/Pairing: Jack/Ianto, Gwen, Owen and Tosh.

Disclaimer:I don't own Torchwood all belongs to RTD and the BBC

Warnings: Pre-Reset.

A/N: These Oneshots were written for a challenge on Lj but thought I'd stick them up here too.

Please review. Cheersies :D

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Jack was sitting in his office frowning at his coffee cup in consternation.

It appeared to be empty.

His coffee cup was empty.

Jack's coffee cup hadn't been empty for more than five minutes at any one time for the last two years. If Jack's cup was empty, then something terrible must have happened. Getting up quickly Jack moved to his door, "Gwen, what's going on?"

Gwen looked up quickly and minimised the internet window that she had been looking at. Jack's eyes narrowed suspiciously. "What are you looking at?"

"Nothing?"

"Was that a question or an answer, Gwen?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"Yeah, nothing."

Jack rolled his eyes, "Let me see, Gwen."

"No."

"No?"

"No."

"Gwen, I can order you to let me see."

Gwen glared at him and opened up the window with an angry huff. Wedding dresses. Wedding dresses. She was looking up _wedding dresses_.

"Gwen."

"What!"

"You do know that we are a top-secret alien-hunting organisation."

"I was aware of that, Jack, yeah."

"And so instead of hunting aliens you are looking up wedding dresses."

"Well, we've been receiving reports of aliens taking over a bridal shop in Newport so I was just compiling a file, doing some research…you're not buying any of this, are you?"

"No."

"What did you want, Jack?"

"Where's Ianto?" Jack asked. Gwen frowned up at him and then looked to her coffee mug which was sitting conspicuously on her desk. She picked it up and weighed it carefully in her hand, then turned it and looked into its coffee-less depths.

She looked back up at Jack, "I dunno, not here. There's no coffee."

Jack rolled his eyes, "Yes, Gwen, I had noticed."

"Oi!" Came a shout from the autopsy bay, "Where's the coffee?" A moment later Owen came up to the workstations looking grumpy, bedraggled and still half asleep, he scowled at Jack. "Where's Ianto?"

Jack threw his hands up in exasperation, "How am I supposed to know?"

"Well, for one thing he's your employee, B. you're shagging him and thirdly where is my bloody coffee, I swear to God, Jack, if I don't get some coffee right now, I will go on a homicidal murder spree with that fire axe!"

"Gwen, pull up the CCTV for the Hub, see if you can find him."

Gwen slumped against her keyboard and put her head down on it, her eyes fluttering, "I don't know if I can, Jack, without coffee, I'm too weak, you'll have to go on without me."

Jack gave a snort of annoyance and tried to push Gwen out of the way. Owen and Gwen started to laugh and Jack ignored them bringing up the CCTV onscreen and searching through for any signs Ianto.

Jack had been searching in silence for twelve minutes before Gwen's voice broke the silence, "Where's Tosh?"

Jack spun around, "Tosh?"

"Yeah, Tosh, has anyone seen her this morning?"

Jack and Owen shook their heads. Owen's face lit up as inspiration suddenly dawned, "Hey, you don't think that the two of them are…you know?"

"No way."

"Come on, Jack, they spend lots of time together, they have all those stupid jokes that no one else gets…"

"And they always go for coffee together and Ianto did save Tosh from those cannibals."

"No way, they're just friends. Just because you two can't understand the difference between having platonic friends of the opposite sex and being fuck buddies, doesn't mean other people are the same."

Gwen and Owen were suitably chastised and shut up.

They lapsed into silence as they contemplated what their missing colleagues could be doing.

"Harkness." Owen said, rounding on Jack accusingly, "Have you done anything to piss Ianto off recently?"

"What? No!" Jack exclaimed as Gwen turned to glare at him too. He held his hands up in a 'hey-I'm-innocent-stance'. "I didn't do anything. If anything pissed him off, it was the way Owen said his coffee was below par yesterday."

"Oh my God, you didn't!"

"It was cold! By the time Jack had stopped harassing him and he got around to me the coffee was freezing! So technically, it's Jack's fault!"

Any more accusations were put on hold when the cog door rolled open suddenly and Tosh walked in followed by a sodden Ianto.

"What the hell happened?"

"Where have you been?"

"Where's my coffee?"

Ianto looked up at them bemusedly, trying to process the three questions that had been asked at the same time. Tosh saved him the need by laughing and ushering him towards the sofa.

"Ianto and I were getting some coffee," She answered blithely.

Jack looked at Ianto; his suit was completely drenched; water was running out of it onto the concrete floor, creating a puddle around him. His hair was stuck flat to his head and his white shirt was gone see-through. _Nice_.

"Getting coffee?"

"Yeah, but on the way back, this little girl got away from her mother and ran off the jetty, into the water, so Ianto jumped in and saved her."

"What?!"

"Yeah, he just jumped right in after her." Tosh beamed proudly and squeezed Ianto's shoulder.

"In your suit?" Owen asked incredulously.

"No, Owen, I took the time to take my suit off, carefully hang it up, then I jumped in."

"Then how did your suit get wet?" Gwen asked.

Ianto rolled his eyes but didn't respond as he was trying to get the chattering of his teeth under control. He glanced wearily up at Jack who had been uncharacteristically silent up to this point. Jack was watching him in a way that made Ianto groan.

"You're a hero, Ianto!"

"Jack.." Ianto's cheeks flushed but despite the warmth in his cheeks he shivered miserably.

"Right, come along hero." Jack said pulling Ianto to his feet, "We need to get you out of those wet clothes. Then you deserve a reward. I'll let you wear my coat! _This_ is the hero coat."

He ushered Ianto towards his office and called back over his shoulder, "Ianto and I are taking the day off, you guys take care of any emergencies."

"What about my coffee!?"

"Forget about it Owen," Tosh said as the door to Jack's office slammed shut, "No Ianto-coffee for you today."

"Right I warned him, Tosh, pass me that fire axe."

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Thanks for reading!


	2. The Great British Summer

Disclaimer: I dont own Torchwood.

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"Summer afternoon - summer afternoon; to me those have always been the two most beautiful words in the English language."

Ianto looked up as Jack swanned into the Tourist Office, quoting enthusiastically, with a great big grin on his face, his coat flowing theatrically behind him. He raised an eyebrow at Jack's obvious good humor.

"Really? I've always liked 'implode' and 'shenanighans' myself."

Jack rolled his eyes dramatically and sighed at Ianto, walking over to the desk and leaning over it. "Ianto, it's the height of summer, the sun is shining, children are laughing and playing, and girls are wearing little-to-no clothing. What's not to love?"

Ianto leaned back in his chair and gave Jack a skeptical look, "Jack, it's the middle of the great _British_ summer, which means that it is currently bucketing rain, children are stuck inside watching Jeremy Kyle and learning how to get an ASBO and anyone not wearing thermal underwear is in serious danger of getting hypothermia."

Jack smirked, "Are you wearing thermal underwear?"

Ianto picked up a leafet and gave it his full attention, "Who says I'm wearing any underwear." He said casually.

Jack gave a strangled squeak and out of the corner of his eye Ianto saw Jack's hand slip on the desk top, making him stumble. Ianto smirked.

"Let's _do_ something." Jack whined and Ianto put down his leaflet, giving Jack his full attention. "What do you have in mind?" Jack opened his mouth, "Bearing in mind that we are at work." Jack closed his mouth and scowled.

Ianto sighed, "Fine. I'll think of something, tell the others, the Rift's been quiet, come find me in half an hour."

Jack jumped up with renewed enthusiasm and grinned at Ianto, "Half an hour?"

Ianto pulled out his stopwatch and returned the grin, "And counting."

Jack took off at a run, back down to the main Hub and Ianto opened an internet screen on his computer; he had just the thing.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Jack managed to get rid of Tosh, Owen and Gwen with surprising ease, they left the Hub with little fight and made their way out by Ianto's tourist office. Jack took less than five minutes to fix his hair (hey it was always perfect), and put on a fresh shirt before making his way back up to Ianto.

When he arrived in the office he was dismayed to see that Tosh, Owen and Gwen were standing around chatting. Jack cursed internally. "I thought I told you lot to go home?"

"Ianto told us to wait here for a bit." Owen said without turning around, and then went back to whaever conversation he'd been having with the girls. Jack huffed and glanced at his watch; twenty-nine minutes had passed, Ianto must be nearly ready.

Just at the thirty minute mark, Ianto came out from behind the screen of beads wearing a pair of jeans and a black shirt. "Everyone ready?"

"What for?" Jack asked, slightly irritated.

Ianto gave him a smug smile, "Torchwood Pool Tournament."

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Twenty minutes later, the team were in the pub, wet and wind-swept but not much worse for wear and were fighting over the teams. As there were five of them, and they couldn't divide into teams of two, Ianto suggested that Gwen give Rhys a call, after his inital refusal, based on the fact that they were all a bunch of twats, he relented and by the time they had finished their first round, he had arrived.

They split into teams of Gwen and Rhys, Tosh and Owen, and Jack and Ianto, which had made Jack happy but made Ianto groan and roll his eyes because firstly; Jack was rubbish at Pool and secondly; Jack made it impossible to concentrate.

In the end Tosh and Owen had triumphed, mainly because Jack had insisted on 'helping' Ianto with all of his shots which usually left Ianto flustered and blushing and completely unable to make even the simpliest shots.

Jack and Ianto left shortly after their defeat, because all the bending over pool tables had gotten them a little hot under the collar. They made their excuses to Gwen and Rhys who were well on their way to going home as well and were ignored by Tosh and Owen who were too busy celebrating their win and making up a victory dance.

As they crossed the Plass Jack grabbed Ianto and pulled him onto the invisible lift, holding him close so that their bodies were perfectly alligned. "That was not a very nice thing you did today, Ianto Jones."

"What's that, Jack?"

"When you said something for us to do I thought you meant _us_, not some team-building experience."

"Woops, my mistake." Ianto smiled innocently.

"Well, I know how you can make up for it."

"You do?"

"Yes."

"Does it involve standing on the invisible lift in the rain, getting freezing cold and soaked to the skin?"

"No"

"Then can we go inside?"

"Oh, yeah." Jack leered and pressed a button on his wrist strap making the lift start descending with a jolt, that made Ianto grab him tightly by his shirt.

"I love the Welsh summer"

Ianto gave him an incredulous look, "Why?"

"All the rain, inability to do anything outside, you have to find ways to amuse yourself indoors, leads to a lot of fun, innovative pasttimes."

"Like what?" Ianto souned suspicious.

"Tell me, Ianto, have you ever played naked hide-and-seek?"

Thanks for reading


	3. Teacup Troubles

Disclaimer: I dont own Torchwood.

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_tea·cup /__ˈtiˌk__ʌ__p/ tee-kuhp  
–noun  
1. a cup in which tea is served, usually of small or moderate size.  
2. a teacupful.  
—Idiom  
__**3. tempest in a teacup or teapot, a disturbance or uproar about little or nothing.**_

"Owen, I can't believe it."

"Shut up."

"But Owen-"

"Shut up_, Gwen_."

"Owen, how are you feeling?"

"Shut up, Ianto."

"Owen-"

"Tosh, please don't side with them, Tosh, _please_."

"Well, Owen, it was quite funny."

"For you lot, maybe!"

"Not for me, I'm sending you the dry cleaning bill"

"Don't be ridiculous, Ianto, Torchwood pays for our dry cleaning."

"Well, you have to pick it up."

"Why me? This is all PC bloody Cooper's fault!"

"Why is it my fault?"

"Who was it that wanted a team-building day out?"

"Me."

"And who was it that chose Barry Island?"

"Tosh."

"Tosh? How could you?"

"I'm sorry, Owen, it's the slot machines, they call to me."

"Don't worry, Owen, something tells me we won't be welcome here again."

"What's that, Ianto?"

"Well it could be something to do with that massive puddle of vomit, or that very hairy man who kept shouting at us."

"Woah, mate, not my fault, I told you, I get sick on the waltzers."

"Yes, Owen, you did, which is why we opted to go on the teacups."

"Bu-"

"Despite us being the only adults there and being surrounded by six year old children."

"Come on, Ianto, give him a break. He's buying us all candy-floss to apologise for getting vomit all over us."

"Am I indeed, Tosh?"

"Either that, or I'm getting the CCTV tape and making copies, and we'll show it to Jack when he gets back."

"Fine, candy-floss it is."

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Thanks for reading


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